The pressure to transition as effeminate gay men

detrans male shares his experience

I was always very feminine as a kid, had long hair, preferred feminine clothing, my interests and mannerisms were considered “girly”. I was regularly confused as a girl in my childhood. My parents always allowed me to be myself, but society didn’t. I soon learned that not fitting into societal gender norms was inappropriate and unwelcoming. I could never relate to other boys of my age. I always preferred to hang out with girls. Other boys scared me and I shared zero interests with them.

Childhood and youth

My childhood and youth were coined by insults, bullying, and assault. It was always boys who abused me for being “too feminine” and “too girly”. “Boys don’t do that!” “Why are you not like the other boys?” I suffered from daily anxiety attacks and began to isolate myself socially. I started to be chronically online. I felt safe online, because nobody could physically abuse me there. I felt into a deep depression hole and life was becoming meaningless to me.

Being constantly abused, physically and emotionally, by boys made me hate that I’m male. Deeply down, I developed a strong hatred and fear towards all maleness. Being male meant being a toxic asshole and was inherently bad for me. Over the years I became very misandric and androphobic, I was paranoid about that all men always wanted to abuse me for literally existing. I hated all men and maleness. I could never relate with other guys and with manhood. Because I’m effeminate by nature and was regularly confused as a girl, I thought I was a girl trapped in a boy's body. I wanted to be a girl so badly. This was way before I was introduced to transgenderism and the concept of transitioning.

I absolutely hated every aspect of the male puberty. I hated the voice deepening. I hated the body hair. I hated that I would become a toxic male asshole, like my abusers. I didn’t have any positive male role models in my youth, so I couldn’t understand that being male doesn’t mean being inherently bad by default. I couldn’t understand that men can embrace femininity and instead must “act masculine” and be toxic in nature.

The pressure to transition

I couldn’t fulfill the expectations of masculinity and felt like I failed at being a man. I was rejected for my femininity. I couldn’t relate to other guys. I felt like an alien. I felt pressured to be someone else, someone who I wasn’t. People told me to “man up” and “stop being gay”.

The first time I learned about transsexualism was from a TV documentary. For the first time in my life, I could relate to other people. I felt understood. I was convinced that I was a woman trapped in a man’s body. Transitioning was presented to me as an option to please society. To “fix my body” so it matches my mind. That I could finally embrace femininity without fear. I would no longer be ashamed of my sexuality. I started to get obsessed with my transition. It was the most important thing in my life now. I was convinced that I couldn’t gain happiness in life when I didn’t transition.

Transitioning

I first identified myself as trans in my 19. I came out to everyone and convinced them that I’m a woman. I wanted everyone to use my new chosen female name and female pronouns and would get very upset when people “misgendered” me. My hatred towards my birth name (trans people call it “dead name”) became so strong that I started to ignore people when they would use it. Most people I cared about were very accepting and supported my transition. They fueled my delusion even more that I could in fact become female when I started the medical transition. That I could change my biological sex. That I could get rid of all maleness in my body.

I started my medical transition in my early twenties. I went through my natal puberty first, and in retrospect, I’m glad I did that. I’m glad I never went on puberty blockers or started cross-sex hormones too early. Cross-sex hormones were causing a lot of damage to my body, pretending that hormone replacement therapy is healthy and needed to “fix myself” just fueled my delusion even more. I didn’t realize I was literally poisoning myself. I can’t deny that starting the medical transition helped me to reconnect with my natural feminine side again, but therapy would have led to the same effect. I regret that I ever went on HRT and the damage I caused to my body. I need to learn to accept the permanent changes and possible health consequences and that I will never have my pre-HRT body ever again.

Detransition and waking up from delusion

People knew me as a woman. I passed. Due to my natural effeminacy, I never exactly “passed” as a man either. 4 years in I started to doubt my transition, which forced me to confront my feelings. I eventually gave up trying to become female. I realized this isn’t possible. I can’t escape my sex, but I learned that I don’t need to fit into the societal male expectations. That my sex doesn’t force me to act masculine.

I ceased medical transition in my late twenties. I never got surgery. I’m still intact “down there”, which made this decision much easier. The daily medication was becoming unbearable for me. I hated the idea to take pills and being dependent on pharmaceutics for the rest of my life. I slowly woke up from my delusion and realized what I was doing to my body. I tried to become someone else who I wasn’t. This was the point where I stopped lying to myself. I never felt comfortable as a woman. I could never connect with womanhood and felt like an intruder every single day. I respect sex specific places and never could convince myself to intrude female spaces, it just felt so horrible wrong. I can remember that I was once invited to a women's shelter. This was one of the most uncomfortable experiences in my life. I felt like shit for violating the very reason sex specific places exist. Yes, I’m a man who respects female spaces. We exist.

Coming out again, that I’m detransitioning, and to admit that I made a mistake was horrific for me at first, but it was needed for me to move on with life. And in retrospect, I’m relieved now that I made that decision. I’m slowly starting to feel comfortable as a man. I accepted my male sex characteristics and don’t see them as inherently bad anymore. After all, it’s the body I was born into. Why should there be anything bad or wrong about it?

I regularly go to therapy now to process my trauma and anxiety. Men have feelings too, men are allowed to express their feelings in a healthy way too, men are allowed to seek out for help too. This is one of the most harmful male stereotypes in our society I can think of, that men must be emotionless tough jerks who must handle all of their problems alone. This is how my mental health went to shit. Getting professional help was one of the best decisions I ever made and for the first time in my life, I feel like actually healing mentally.

Reasons why I transitioned

I can think of these reasons which contributed to my transition. They played a huge role in why I even started to identify as trans in the first place and why I wanted to become a woman.

• internalized homophobia

• misandry and androphobia

• ‘toxic masculinity’ and escaping harmful male gender stereotypes

• being unmasculine and soft

• self-hatred and depression

It all boils down to societal gender norms and stereotypes and the rejection of individuals like me who don’t fit into this norm. I grew up in a homophobic environment who rejected effeminate gay men.

Since my detransition my view on gender heavily changed. I recognized the oppressive nature of gender and its expectations about how man and woman must act, dress and express themselves. What is considered “appropriate” behavior for males and females. I realized that only sex matters, gender is the oppressive social construct around sex. I stopped trying to fit in and instead be the most authentic me possible.

Embracing gender nonconformity as an adult

I embrace my femininity now. I express myself however I want. I dress however I want. I act however I want. I stopped trying to fit in. This doesn’t change the fact that I’m a man. Man don’t need to be masculine, in fact there is no particular way to be a man. It all just boils down to stereotypes and expectations. I accepted that I turned out to be an effeminate gay man. I don’t need to be ashamed of being myself and my sexuality. I feel authentic and like myself now.